#4 Messy Haircuts

There are basically two haircuts that you're allowed to have if you'd like to be underground. Those are the "Messy" and the "Spontaneously Messy." The "Messy" involves careful pruning skills similar to those used in the bonsai tradition to make your head look disheveled, but not sloppy. The ultimate goal is to demonstrate control over the hair. The "Spontaneous" is actually much more difficult and requires much more pruning skills in order to make it look like no pruning ever took place. 

The difference between these can be equated to the difference between a French classical garden and an English classical garden. The French attempted to demonstrate their dominance over the landscape by arranging their gardens in highly ordered and logical forms. The gardens at Versailles are a prime example of this style. In contrast, the English gardens at Prior Park in Bath, England make a huge effort in order to look like a completely natural landscape. In reality, both of these gardens are equally as man-made (landscape architecture is underground so shut up Bell).

Its very important to get your haircut at a certified underground barbershop. These places usually have some sort of novelty that defines them as hipster barbers. They either use rusty scissors or they use free-trade organic hair-spray or something. There are many places like this around town that have built their entire business plan around charging $30 to cut your hair so that it looks like you're hungover all the time. Two places I can think of off the top of my head are Rudy's and Bishops. Bishops actually gives you beer while you get your haircut, so that by the end you actually will be hungover, and that's pretty underground. Rudy's has a location on Division and another one in the Pearl. Whatever you do don't go to Rudy's Pizza & Sandwiches on 47th and Powell for a haircut because they'll look at you like an idiot and then they'll try to sell you a sandwich.