Sunday, October 26, 2008

#14 Tattoos

If you don't have a tattoo, you shouldn't even be reading this blog. Please visit this website. Tattoos are so underground that I haven't blogged for almost three weeks because I've been thinking of all the reasons why they are so underground, and there's millions.

Anything that makes you cool or hip that's permanent is awesome, and that's why tattoos top the list. For example, black-rimmed glasses might make you look cool, but you can always get corrective eye surgery if want to. If you ever get eye surgery that makes your eyesight worse so that you have to wear glasses permanently, let me know because that's really underground.

The best kind of tattoos are the ones that you get when you're either drunk or because of a bet. Those are instant stories. Tattoos that you design yourself are stupid, unless you're really un-artistic, then its hilarious. Tattoos that talk about your significant other are over-done, unless they're on your upper thigh and they're based on a napkin sketch that you did in a San Diego bar when you were celebrating you're brother-in-law's culinary-school graduation, then its legendary.

If you want to be underground, never get tattoos of the following things: barbed wire, flowers, happy faces, ferries, smurfs, asian charaters for "strength" and/or "pride." DO get tattoos of the following: your home state, farm animals, bikes, skulls, bones, eagles, stars, asian characters for "egg roll" and/or "wonton."

One thing that's really starting to piss me off is that all these frat boys all over the country are getting little handlebar mustaches tattooed on their fingers, thiking its funny when they put their pointer finger above their upper lip. "Good job Rico, it looks just like a real mustache, you're so underground!" But when Fox News reports on this tattoo craze then you know its officially gone mainstream. And that little tat isn't coming off any time soon. Well guess what? I'm saving myself the 50 bucks by trying to grow a REAL mustache on my index finger, and its actaully coming in pretty good. Now that's underground.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

#13 My Friend Brian

Brian is usually one of the most underground friends I have.  Except last night we went to a forum on sustainability, the environment, and Portland's energy future.  

I rode my bike, and Brian drove.  Five blocks.  That's crazy-super underground.

I salute you my friend.  Keep on being hip.  

#12 Breakfast

People who are underground don't go to church on Sunday morning, they go to breakfast.  Talk to any hipster and they'll tell you about a breakfast burrito or eggs benedict that made them believe in God.  Often times people in the media have referred to sports arenas or skyscrapers as our "modern day cathedrals."  But in Portland our cathedrals are 2-stories tall and give you coffee while you wait.

Most breakfast places in town are packed on Sunday mornings.  This is usually the bi-product of a crowd that had too many Pabst or whiskey-waters the night before.  Hungry, cranky, and hungover, it's the underground ritual to seek out a breakfast place where the wait staff is equally as cranky, and probably a little more hungover.

Waiting in line is the best part about the Sunday morning breakfast experience.  A group of underground friends can find themselves in all sorts of witty and hip conversation, usually recapping the wild events of the night before or talking about the latest trends in bicycle fashion.  Its not unusual to wait for an hour-and-a-half, only to get a table inside next to the garbage can or outside in the blaring sun.  Then you have to put up with service and food prep that isn't exactly quick.  Let's just say that most Sunday-morning breakfast line cooks couldn't exactly cut it on Iron Chef America.  The secret ingredient: bagels!

An essential element to any good breakfast place is good vegetarian breakfast-meat.  You definitely need to have options like vegi-sausage links, vegi-bacon, or vegi-chicken-fried-steak so that you can feel like you're eating meat, but you don't have to spend the rest of your day with a guilty conscience.  If you're Greek though, then no vegi-meat for you.  Greeks don't believe in vegetarians.  Or Greek omelettes for that matter.  Just get the French Toast.